Days 11 – 14

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So, I really contemplated updating each day individually… but the things I’m going through can be clumped together.

Around Day 10, I was thinking, I really don’t have anything inspiring to say… and no one, even though this is for me, wants to hear the same old stuff.

And immediately after I clicked publish on Day 10. A song came to mind.

Jami Smith’s “Sit with me for awhile.”

And so that’s what I did.

Because honestly, I wasn’t feeling anything.

And it’s ironic, come Sunday, I was the only one in my whole family to go to church. So I sat there by myself on a long empty pew.

And really, I was there for a reason. A right place, right time kind of thing.

We went over Proverbs, and wisdom and folly. Shaking my head, I totally follow folly more often than wisdom. Ugh.

Then for church service, We talk about the return of Christ. Sweet, I’m safe on this one.

Wrong.

Invitation song comes on, and down the aisle I go, pouring out my heart on the altar. I’m struggling, and I didn’t even realize it. Ugh.

The pastor invites us back for the second part of the sermon that night.

Oh, that’s why I went Sunday morning, because I really needed to hear what was said Sunday night.

Funny how that works.

And then, Monday. I was hungry for something. I could not get full. I couldn’t stay out of the kitchen.

I stayed on plan, but I ate and I ate and I ate. I actually made myself sick. Like physically sick. On healthy foods.

I was craving a chicken sandwich from Chic fil a.

I couldn’t get my mind off of it. And the craving still hadn’t passed, even after I told myself over and over, it’s just a chicken sandwich. Get it together…

After making myself sick, I decided to get one on Tuesday.

It was amazing for the moment.

And then, the shame followed. Really?!?! You can’t go 40 days without a stinking chicken sandwich!?!

What about the sacrifices Christ made for you?!

They are far larger than a chicken sandwich…

And I immediately closed my eyes. I could actually see Christ being beaten. I could see him carrying his huge cross after up the long path to die for my sin. My sin. For the stupid chicken sandwich I didn’t think I could live without.

Surrender.

Waiting.

Two words that are very hard for me.

Talking with a friend this morning about the two.

Straight up human desire. Ugh, Self Centered is what I am. I put my own desires first… again. Over a chicken sandwich.

It’s in the storms of life, we have to yell out to Jesus like the diciples did in Mark 4:35-41.

Do you not care that I’m perishing here?!?!

Oh ye of little faith.

Yeah.

When all it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains.

Here I am, at the bottom of my mountain. Struggling to have faith the size of a mustard seed.

“I surrender all…”

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